Love with no place to go

You have to face it. At some point you need to cry hard, instead of running away from your emotions. I am so aware of this and at the same time so not capable of doing it. So here I am. I sit down, try to write, try to let you know how I feel so I can feel as well. I write in English this time since some of my dear friends do not understand Dutch at all and some of them are in as much pain as I am at this very moment.

Where I am right now really is a valley and it seems darker then it was before. I miss my baby girl like crazy. My body still longs to hold her, feed her, protect her, cherish her. It is a very soft and tender feeling and so very painful at the same time. I have this special love for my other children as well and I came to realize how wonderful it is to give it to them. But there also is this love towards Amanda and she isn’t here to receive it.

I’ve never been aware of this before she was born. I discovered that as a mother you need your child just as much as she needs you.
I mean, I was aware of a baby desperately needing his or her mum and dad. And when you have a child, you know you are happy to give yourself to him or her – most of the time. But when my baby was born still, I found out that I needed her just as much. At that very moment, new love was born and it was only hers to receive.

I remember that when I had my fourth child, I was so afraid that I couldn’t love him as much as I loved my other children. Who is capable of loving four children the same with deep and sacrificial love? I found out however when giving birth to that precious boy that my heart grew larger, and new love was born, especially for him. Apparently you can love four children with real parental love.

When I gave birth to my fifth child it happened again. Though we knew she had died before she was born, that moment that she came into the world, both our hearts flooded with love, compassion, a willingness to sacrifice, nourish, cherish and protect this precious child.

And then reality kicks in. You find yourself having this love and feelings, but no place, no soul to pour it into. She didn’t need it anymore. She didn’t need you.

The last few days words from a song came to my mind over and over again. I have listened to it a hundred times the last few months. It’s comforting to know that I am not the only one feeling this way right now:

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies,
wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on

But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years

I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One
Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice

And He says
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies,
no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One
Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

I will carry you from Selah)

Auteur: Ineke

Ik ben Ineke, echtgenote, moeder van vijf, muzikant, schrijfster, vertaalster. 20 maart 2017 markeert een nieuwe fase in ons leven, toen bleek dat Amanda, onze nog ongeboren dochter, overleden bleek te zijn. Al lang wilde ik publiekelijk schrijven over de dingen die ik meemaak en leer, omdat ik merk dat anderen er wat mee kunnen en ik graag mijn gedachten en gevoelens met anderen deel. Sinds we Amanda verloren, is die wens sterker geworden. Haar dood heeft ons leven ingrijpend veranderd en maakt dat ik vaak zoek naar woorden en ook naar wat ik nu werkelijk voel, denk, geloof. In mijn blogs wil ik die woorden proberen te vinden.

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