I will never forget

Last week I heard a beautiful song about the love of God for Israel. Basically it’s verses from Isaiah quoted and the words sounded pretty familiar to me. But then something deep happened when I heard the chorus and the second verse:

No I’ll never forget you.
I’ll never forsake you.
I will never forget my own.

Does a mother forget her baby.
Or a woman the child in her womb?
Yet even if she should forget
I will never forget my own.

The video clip shows a woman wearing dark clothes holding a small child in her arms. It evoked this deep longing in me and the dark clothes added to that as it reminded me of mourning.

But this song isn’t about me!
It is about God longing for His people and I knew that very well. Still, I couldn’t stop crying when the chorus was repeated:

No I’ll never forget you.
I’ll never forsake you.
I will never forget my own.

This is me. This is also me! The longing this chorus gives words to, describes how I feel about my stillborn baby. Somehow at that moment I felt that this verse from the bible was giving me permission to grieve, to feel this deep ache inside of me. Of course I know I don’t need permission for that, but sometimes people ask ‘If I am not over it yet’ and it makes me wonder if I am too dramatic and should feel differently. But here the bible clearly states that it is impossible for a mother to forget her baby. It gives a beautiful and accurate picture of what motherly love is.
And God’s love is even deeper. God is longing more for His people then a mother longs for her child.

I think it is mind boggling and I have spend quite some hours figuring out what this means. Listening to this song, letting the words sink in, figuring out what these feelings that were evoked are about, brought me to this amazing realization: Knowing how it feels to lose a child I so deeply love, longing for a child I will never get to meet in this life, actually now has brought me to understand more of the depths of God’s love.

Losing Amanda, longing for her, grieving over her, learning to live without her, trying to figure out what I believe and hope and live for, brought me to a deeper understanding of how desperately God longs for us to come closer to Him. And I am even more deeply convinced that He will never forget me, He will never forsake me. As I will never forget my dear baby girl.

About: Peter and Carin van Essen: Never forget, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SITAUTC6qTI

Auteur: Ineke

Ik ben Ineke, echtgenote, moeder van vijf, muzikant, schrijfster, vertaalster. 20 maart 2017 markeert een nieuwe fase in ons leven, toen bleek dat Amanda, onze nog ongeboren dochter, overleden bleek te zijn. Al lang wilde ik publiekelijk schrijven over de dingen die ik meemaak en leer, omdat ik merk dat anderen er wat mee kunnen en ik graag mijn gedachten en gevoelens met anderen deel. Sinds we Amanda verloren, is die wens sterker geworden. Haar dood heeft ons leven ingrijpend veranderd en maakt dat ik vaak zoek naar woorden en ook naar wat ik nu werkelijk voel, denk, geloof. In mijn blogs wil ik die woorden proberen te vinden.

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